Things People Start Off Sentences With

"I just wanted to say that..."
You wanted to, but not anymore, right? So why are you still saying it? Oh, so you still want to say it. Then you should say "I just want to say," if anything at all. But the professor's calling on you anyway, so obviously he/she expects you to be saying what you WANT to say, not that you're being compelled by some external force to utter something against your will.

"I was just going to say that..."
Oh, okay. So you were going to say something but you aren't anymore. And yet you're still saying it. You're confusing me. If you were just going to say that, what changed your mind between the time you were going to say it and this current moment? It appears as if you didn't change your mind at all, because you're still saying it.

"I feel like..."
Unnecessary. Of course what you're saying should be what you feel. Unless you tend to quote people when you're saying things, in which case you would have to clarify.

"I don't really know if this is true, but..."
This is the best way to start a sentence, because no one can ever accuse you for saying something wrong. I employ this strategy all the time. I just reply, "Well, if you were listening, I said I didn't know if what I was saying was true or not, so you're making the assumption that I attempted to say something objectively true about the world." And it works. If I'm not going to be right, I know I won't be wrong, either. Then, when people get immensely frustrated with me, I end the conversation by saying, "Everything is all relative anyway. It's moral relativism. Look it up."

"I might be wrong, but..."
(See above).

"No offense, but..."
Wrong. Offense.

"I learned in my social psych class that..."
No one cares what you learned in your social psych class.

"Honestly..."
Lying.

"In all seriousness..."
Joking.

"Kind of based off what [insert name] said..."
You're just repeating what he said, verbatim. Otherwise, you're paraphrasing. If you were actually going to say something constructive, you wouldn't say that, because you'd be too proud of coming up with a new idea to just credit the other person. It's like you're making a disclaimer that what you say might just be a little too similar to what's been said before.

"Well I was thinking about it the other day..."
Don't lie. You were not mulling over this exact same question the other day. If anything, it probably crossed your mind as you were watching TV but you forgot about it after two seconds.

"Well I was just thinking that..."
Well, obviously. Which is why you're answering the question. No, wait, actually, maybe you weren't "just" thinking of anything when you raised your hand, and as you were called on, you spontaneously uttered the first thing that popped into your head, which probably went along the lines of, "Oh, I am being called on. I will lower my hand now."

Poetic Mood Painting Descriptive Imagery Poem

The other day I was really sad. I realized many dark truths about the world. Things that I dare not mention. The following poem is my best attempt at revealing these truths (without really doing so, of course).

Dark things
They are in the world
Many dark things
Shady, dark, scary
All around me
Like a black shadow in an already black room
Like a black cat painted with black paint and coated with black varnish
Like a black African in the dark
Like a black highlighter on black text

Fuck Fantasy Football

Recently, something has become clear to me. I had an epiphany, if you will.

I realized that for the past five years, fantasy football has had a profoundly negative impact on my life. It became clear to me today while reading the Magna Charta. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't keep focus on "inquests of novel disseisin" or "darrein presentment." I could only think about the sorry excuse for a running back that Larry Johnson is. Projected to "extend his streak of 100-yard rushing games against the Raiders to five in Week 2 when Kansas City hosts Oakland," he instead gains a whopping 22 yards in 12 attempts, good enough for 1.8 yards a carry.

But as soon as this thought slipped into my mind, I realized a deeper issue was at stake. The problem lay not with Larry Johnson, but with me. And Fantasy Football.

Here are two things I realized:
1. Fantasy Football ruins the experience of watching a football game.
Why is your day suddenly better when Tony Scheffler scores a TD? Because you like the Broncos? No. Because you have Scheffler on your team, and he's the go-to guy instead of that other tight end, Daniel Graham? Certainly. You will find yourself hoping for a player's failure if for no other reason than your opponent having him on his team. One week you might feel on top of the world because Terrell Owens tears a muscle. Is it because you hate the guy? Did you suddenly become a morbid and sadistic person, wishing harm to random players? Sometimes I feel like it would be perfect if Peyton Manning threw enough touchdowns to win, but not too many because I have the opposing team's defense and not to Dallas Clark because the guy I'm playing against is starting him. If you find yourself hoping for a botched extra point by Ryan Longwell just because it'll secure for you a number one spot in the fantasy playoffs, you know that fantasy football has taken over your life. Your happiness level is now subject to the performance of select players, thus ruining your ability to enjoy a game of football for what it is.

EDIT: Ronnie Brown just scored his fifth touchdown. On my bench.
Andy Liang @ 3:24
OMFG 3:24
RONNY BROWN 3:24
FUCK YOu 3:25

No explanation needed.

2. Success in Fantasy Football depends much more on luck than it does skill.
Now before I explain what I mean by this I don't want any of you saying, "Heh, maybe it's because you just suck!!!" I may not be the best fantasy player out there, but when I find myself losing to Joey Li (who, by the way, takes kicker Neil Rackers with his second pick and knows as much about football as a Chinese mom), I'm all but certain that my "fantasy skill level" is not the problem. From year to year, I do just as well (if not better) with an auto-picked team based on default pre-ranks as I do with a team I choose in live draft format. It never seems to matter whether I have agency over my picks or not; my success (or failure) is unpredictable as always. For those of you who don't believe in the use of anecdotal evidence (even perfectly chosen ones involving Joey) and like to get all technical on me, here's why Fantasy Football is largely luck-based:
In standard formats, there are at most fourteen or fifteen weeks in the regular fantasy season. The number of times your players play is much less than in other fantasy sports. There are 82 games in basketball and hockey; 162 games in baseball. Given the law of large numbers, your performance during the course of a fantasy football season is much more subject to injuries and duds, as well as it is to surprise sleepers and over-performing reserves. You might say that it merely stresses the importance of recognizing sleepers and making good picks, but if you've been playing fantasy football long enough, you'll soon learn that even this hardly improves your chances of winning. Because while you can predict the sleepers based on scouting reports, a 40-yd dash time, or just a "good feeling" you have about someone, this is more often than not offset by surprise injuries. It remains a fact of the sport that most injuries are simply unforeseeable. Who knew that Tom Brady, a first round pick in most formats, would tear his ACL and be out for the season? Would that thought even cross anyone's mind? And would it be too much of a leap for me to say that not having your first round draft pick on your team significantly decreases your chances at having a good season? If the Brady example isn't enough to convince you, consider Priest Holmes in 2004, Ahman Green in 2005, or Shaun Alexander in 2006, just to name a few. And these are just first round players, too. Considering how rampant injuries are in the NFL, a significant portion of your team can miss large chunks of the season because of one injury or another. This is not not nearly as big a problem in other fantasy sports. Can't play Albert Pujols because of his foot? Not to worry, you have over a hundred games to make adjustments, and ten decent replacements at first base to choose from. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "I just have an eye for sleepers!" Yeah, sure you do. If "having an eye" for something means picking a no name player that no one even wants. All too often I hear things like, "Oh my god I'm so good at fantasy football I selected Reuben Droughns!" Oh, yeah? No one even knew who the fuck Reuben Droughns was before the 2004 season. And the only reason you have him on your team is because either your pre-rankings selected him for you in the fifteenth round or you have a cousin named Reuben and you thought it'd be cool to have a player named after a sandwich. Don't give me that crap about how you "saw the potential" in the guy or "made a smart draft pick" when he runs a 6.52 40-yard dash.

Then again, maybe none of this applies to you. You autodrafted Brandon Marshall, you've silenced all the doubters by consistently starting your hometown boy Aaron Rodgers (yeah, you show the world that taking Rodgers in the 2nd round was NOT a mistake), and you're sitting comfortably in first place. And to you, I say, congratulations on your good fortune (or skill, if you please). Just don't go complaining to your friends when Aaron Rodgers finishes the season with a QB Rating of 55, or when Brandon Marshall gets a year-long suspension for attempted manslaughter.

That being said, I'm in two leagues this year, and one of them I paid money for.

My name is Jeffrey Ho, and I, too, am a victim of fantasy football.

Co-Blogging/US News Uses Ratemyprofessors.com

Though I am slightly less supportive of this blog's title (supplepenis.blogspot.com, anyone?) than Jeff, I remain supportive of Jeff's endeavors. They are hopeful.

On another note, US News uses Ratemyprofessors.com as part of its criteria for college rankings. That's also really hopeful. I hope that future generations of parents continue to haggle their children informedly, especially when using resources that collect data like this:

1) You can't cheat in her class because no one knows the answers.
or

2) Three of my friends got A's in his class and my friends are dumb.
or

3) This teacher was a firecracker in a pond of slithery tadpoles.

and lastly,

4) Very good course, but I only went to one class.

Blogging

Many of you are probably wondering why I would choose supplebreasts to be in the blog URL. I can give you the story.

Justin, Patrick, and I were studying for Ms. Aguilera's Like Water for Chocolate test in sophomore year when we stumbled upon this quote: "He must've been hypnotized by her ample breasts swinging from side to side" (41 Esquivel). Justin and I told Patrick to read it out loud because we both thought it'd be hilarious listening to Patrick say "ample breasts." He did and we laughed and I don't remember much more except that it was really funny. So Tiffany and I decided to change ample to supple for whatever reason and now it's supplebreasts.

It's been awhile since I've done something like this. And by this I mean writing entries on websites for people to read. In fact, the last time I wrote a blog entry is back when I had a Xanga. I would write things in it like "today I woke up and brushed my teeth and had to take a shit during sixth period" or "Mr. Nady is a bitch. He gave me a 9/10 on my homework assignment because I forgot to box my answer." Now that I look back on it I see that I'm the bitch for bitching about something like that. So I think it's safe to say that I never really kept a serious blog because I wouldn't know what to write. And because I don't write good.

In order to compensate for my blog-writing deficiencies I've come up with five things to constantly remind myself about while I'm typing.
1. Type really fast.
When I slow down to below 150 WPM, I start to press backspace every few words. I also start changing words like "and" to "additionally along with" and "old" to "antediluvian." Also, typing fast allows you to partake in this really cool phenomena called "stream of consciousness writing" so you can be the next James Joyce or William Faulkner. Except if you want to do this I think you're supposed to write down everything you think of while you think of it and that's impossible.
2. Stop pretending like anyone cares about my writing.
Because seriously, no one does, except maybe my professors. No one's looking at my writing and thinking to themselves, "Hmm...Jeffrey Ho's sentence structure is a bit convoluted while his use of adverbs makes his sentences sound awkward and clanky." If you are, stop it now and just think about what I have to say instead of how I'm saying it. However, I will give you the permission to complain about my writing it if it's to the point of being distracting. But I'm pretty sure I don't type like a prepubescent Korean girl (e.g., xoskEwL iz kYoOtxo) or a lazy, abbreviating slob (e.g., u r 2 tite).
3. Don't try to be funny, because you aren't.
I'd like to first advertise for Patrick Chu. If you're looking to find out how to write funny posts you can check out his blogspot at http://infinitesnowboy.blogspot.com. Because honestly, reading his posts makes me laugh every time. (By the way, who the hell is looking up "jeffrey ho basketball" on google? Bitches.) However if what you're looking for is a collection of dull, uncreative entries about nothing in particular, you can continue reading my blog.
4. Don't try any literary or stylistic techniques.
Because frankly, I don't know any. The last time I tried using a metaphor, my professor wrote back about how I used a mixed metaphor (whatever that is) and how it's a disgrace to writing and how he should have me shot.
5. Don't talk about highly controversial things.
If you do this you'll get page-long comments on why you're wrong (assuming anyone reads it). And to make matters worse you won't even get a chance to defend yourself unless you either argue back in your own comments, which looks lame, or make another post about how you're right, which looks much like you're trying too hard. I know I say this now but I'll probably end up breaking my own rule.

If I follow these rules I think I'll be good to go. I'll have my first blog that's not about what I had for breakfast everyday. For any of you out there who are thinking of starting a blog, do what I did. Come up with a disclaimer about how your writing sucks. When you keep people's expectations low about your writing, it doesn't take much to impress.